A dreamer

"you have some of those days when you just need to be. when you just need to shut your mouth, close your eyes, breathe in and out and drift away…"

sometimes i wish i were an ostrich so i can just bury my head.  or better yet, i wish  i could pretend that i were dead.

a few days ago, i was so convinced that this year wasn’t that bad for me. but at this very moment, as i stare at my laptop screen, as i type away my thoughts, i am so angry at myself for even considering that.  2006 was not a good one for me.

i’ve never had so many screw ups at work.  this project that i’ve been handling for the past 4 years was a total disaster.  and until now, i am still haunted by the mistakes i made.  the reason why i’m still working at this time of the year (when everybody else is on vacation leave) is to put a close to this damn project.  i have never been so embarrassed in the four years that i’ve managed this program.

everybody in my office knows how bitchy i can be, and 2006 was the year where i did the most bitching.  it was so pathetic.  i spared no one–from our messenger to my boss, suppliers, delivery people–sheesh, i even snap at mcdonald’s crew…believe me, i can be really scary.

it’s really embarrassing ‘coz they know that i’m a charismatic, that i actually stand in front of people and proclaim God’s word.  they always kid me that in my 7 years in rivers, they haven’t seen the impact of my community in my personal life.  now that’s really sad (and depressing).

i am not the nicest person in the world (heck, i am not even nice).  i have a very bad temper and i can be brutally frank (bad combo).  but i’d like to believe that if it weren’t for my community, i could have done more damage (to others and to myself).  i could be worse.

God has been very kind to me this year and for that i am truly grateful.  i know how disappointed He must have been with how i managed my life this year and yet, He never left my side.  He continues to love me in spite of my imperfections.

next year, i resolve to submit everything to Him.  i hate to admit it but i can’t do this alone.  i need His help.  it’s really a struggle for me to just let go, but i have learned that when i give it all to God, it is so easy to take my burdens right back from Him.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 26th, 2006 at 10:36 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.