A dreamer

"you have some of those days when you just need to be. when you just need to shut your mouth, close your eyes, breathe in and out and drift away…"

sometimes i wish i were an ostrich so i can just bury my head.  or better yet, i wish  i could pretend that i were dead.

a few days ago, i was so convinced that this year wasn’t that bad for me. but at this very moment, as i stare at my laptop screen, as i type away my thoughts, i am so angry at myself for even considering that.  2006 was not a good one for me.

i’ve never had so many screw ups at work.  this project that i’ve been handling for the past 4 years was a total disaster.  and until now, i am still haunted by the mistakes i made.  the reason why i’m still working at this time of the year (when everybody else is on vacation leave) is to put a close to this damn project.  i have never been so embarrassed in the four years that i’ve managed this program.

everybody in my office knows how bitchy i can be, and 2006 was the year where i did the most bitching.  it was so pathetic.  i spared no one–from our messenger to my boss, suppliers, delivery people–sheesh, i even snap at mcdonald’s crew…believe me, i can be really scary.

it’s really embarrassing ‘coz they know that i’m a charismatic, that i actually stand in front of people and proclaim God’s word.  they always kid me that in my 7 years in rivers, they haven’t seen the impact of my community in my personal life.  now that’s really sad (and depressing).

i am not the nicest person in the world (heck, i am not even nice).  i have a very bad temper and i can be brutally frank (bad combo).  but i’d like to believe that if it weren’t for my community, i could have done more damage (to others and to myself).  i could be worse.

God has been very kind to me this year and for that i am truly grateful.  i know how disappointed He must have been with how i managed my life this year and yet, He never left my side.  He continues to love me in spite of my imperfections.

next year, i resolve to submit everything to Him.  i hate to admit it but i can’t do this alone.  i need His help.  it’s really a struggle for me to just let go, but i have learned that when i give it all to God, it is so easy to take my burdens right back from Him.

ipagpatawad nyo…

i found this from a very old quotable quotes notebook–i’ve never seen the movie but i heard it’s really good.  i used to have this terrible crush on bentot (a.k.a. ben affleck) and i thought it was just lovely that it was his character who said these lines.  btw, another johnny depp-ish actor, jason lee (who also stars in one of my all-time fave movies, ‘mallrats’), was also in this movie. 

so to all those who can mega relate to these lines (rizi!!!)–feel the pain…

"i love you. and not, not in a friendly way, although i think we’re great friends. and not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although i’m sure that’s what you’ll call it.

i love you. very, very simple, very truly. you are the epitome of everything i have ever looked for in another human being. and i know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the farthest thing from an option you would ever consider.

but i had to say it. i just, i can’t take it anymore.

i can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you.
i cant, i can’t look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels.
i can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

and i know this will probably queer our friendship…but i had to say it, because i’ve never felt this way before, and i don’t care. i like who i am because of it. and if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me.

but God, i just, i couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. and, you know, i’ll accept that.

but i know…i know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. all i ask, PLEASE, is that you just, you just not dismiss that and try to dwell on it for just ten seconds.

…there isn’t another sould on this f**king planet who has ever made me half the person i am when i’m with you, and i would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau.

because it is there–between you and me. you can’t deny that.

even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that i’m forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which, while i do appreciate it, i’d never needed a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.’

(chasing amy)

it’s not who you love. it’s how.