A dreamer

it’s a monday evening and i am sitting and eating alone at el pollo loco in megamall.  my mom and my cousin are shopping for furniture for my cousin’s flat.  apparently, he’s moving out of our house.  i am sleep deprived and very hungry so i told them to just "text me pag TAPOS na TAPOS na kayo" (hehehehe, bitchy as always :p).  so i am sitting here, alone, a half-eaten pollo bowl in front of me, staring at my phone waiting for them to text me "let’s go home."

i wasn’t always like this (bitchy, i mean).  i used to be really nice, you know.  i used to be sweet and kind…really friendly…bright and sunny.  and now i am just dark and twisty (or is it scary and damaged?).  i used to enjoy other people’s company.  i used to enjoy meeting lots of new people.  now i’ve become anti-social…allowing myself to have few close friends.  too few actually that i’ve gotten so used to doing things all by myself.  i eat at restaurants alone.  i watch movies alone.  i usually shop alone.  i hear mass alone.  and if it weren’t for my ministry, i’d probably be sitting alone every wednesday during prayer meetings.

i am not complaining.  i actually enjoy my solitude

i got this quote from the philippine star last sunday and for some reason i just couldn’t stop thinking about it–

‘being single and unattached makes me vulnerable to yearn for warm embraces at times.  i thank God for giving me two hands that i wrap around myself in moments when i feel alone.  and yes, that’s more than enough reminder that inside me resides the happiness i sometimes forget i possess.’

i am still truly, madly, deeply in love with somebody right now, although the pining and the longing have died down.  maybe i am slowly learning to love myself more.  maybe i am beginning to realize that my whole life’s happiness does not depend on him loving me back.

christmas is just around the corner and the dawn’s classic ballad ‘abot-kamay’ keeps playing over and over in my head–"sana ika’y abot-kamay..sana kahit ngayong pasko man lang.." 

but he’s always been within reach.  i just couldn’t claim him as mine :p   and i said i wasn’t pining! hahahahaha. 

but really, i’m not.

where the hell are my mom and my cousin?  i am starting to feel cold and i don’t have my shawl with me.  i suppose this is one of those occasions when i should be ‘yearning for a warm embrace,’ bwahahahaha!

i think i’ll just go to starbucks and buy myself a warm cup of coffee.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 5:11 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.