A dreamer

it’s a monday evening and i am sitting and eating alone at el pollo loco in megamall.  my mom and my cousin are shopping for furniture for my cousin’s flat.  apparently, he’s moving out of our house.  i am sleep deprived and very hungry so i told them to just "text me pag TAPOS na TAPOS na kayo" (hehehehe, bitchy as always :p).  so i am sitting here, alone, a half-eaten pollo bowl in front of me, staring at my phone waiting for them to text me "let’s go home."

i wasn’t always like this (bitchy, i mean).  i used to be really nice, you know.  i used to be sweet and kind…really friendly…bright and sunny.  and now i am just dark and twisty (or is it scary and damaged?).  i used to enjoy other people’s company.  i used to enjoy meeting lots of new people.  now i’ve become anti-social…allowing myself to have few close friends.  too few actually that i’ve gotten so used to doing things all by myself.  i eat at restaurants alone.  i watch movies alone.  i usually shop alone.  i hear mass alone.  and if it weren’t for my ministry, i’d probably be sitting alone every wednesday during prayer meetings.

i am not complaining.  i actually enjoy my solitude

i got this quote from the philippine star last sunday and for some reason i just couldn’t stop thinking about it–

‘being single and unattached makes me vulnerable to yearn for warm embraces at times.  i thank God for giving me two hands that i wrap around myself in moments when i feel alone.  and yes, that’s more than enough reminder that inside me resides the happiness i sometimes forget i possess.’

i am still truly, madly, deeply in love with somebody right now, although the pining and the longing have died down.  maybe i am slowly learning to love myself more.  maybe i am beginning to realize that my whole life’s happiness does not depend on him loving me back.

christmas is just around the corner and the dawn’s classic ballad ‘abot-kamay’ keeps playing over and over in my head–"sana ika’y abot-kamay..sana kahit ngayong pasko man lang.." 

but he’s always been within reach.  i just couldn’t claim him as mine :p   and i said i wasn’t pining! hahahahaha. 

but really, i’m not.

where the hell are my mom and my cousin?  i am starting to feel cold and i don’t have my shawl with me.  i suppose this is one of those occasions when i should be ‘yearning for a warm embrace,’ bwahahahaha!

i think i’ll just go to starbucks and buy myself a warm cup of coffee.

OLD SWEATER
by Teri Lyn Smith

i wear you like an old sweater–
arms around me, warmth and comfort,
the worn places i overlook,
the tears i hold together.
threads broken at the seams, we hang on,
still able to keep the cold
from seeping through.
the color has faded, but
i expect nothing more
than the familiar feel, the smell of you.
you need not be more than that;
i can’t expect you to be more.
you have always been there
as you are, as you will always be–
nothing more, but that’s enough for me.

waaahhh! unrequited love to the max! found this poem in my ‘99 notebook of quotes.  sheesh…some things will never change…i am forever pining for somebody i can never have.  ‘i am desperately searching for something real’ and yet i keep falling for guys who for one reason or another can NEVER be mine–it’s as if they were just meant to live in my fantasies, in my dreams

i’ll end this ranting with a quote from Bridget Jones’ Diary (the book, not the movie)–
"Love is not something that happens to you but something you do.  So what didn’t I do?"

end of sharing.