A dreamer

nothing lasts forever…

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I’m letting go
It may not last but I don’t know
Just don’t know 

If you don’t know
Then you can’t care
And you show up
But you’re not there
But I’m waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you 

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that’s warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep 

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I’m asleep 

If you don’t know
Then you can’t care
And you show up
But you’re not there
But I’m waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe 

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn’t mean we’re not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you’re still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains 

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way 

"if i don’t say this now, i will surely break…" (the fray)

you didn’t care about me
so i packed my bags
and left you to wonder
what you could’ve done better
to make our love stronger
we could have lasted forever and longer
but we’ll never know how good it could be
this isn’t how it should be

i couldn’t laugh
i couldn’t cry
i couldn’t waste another day
i couldn’t live
i couldn’t lie low any longer

did you ever care about me?
i remember the time
you looked in my eyes
and promised we’d stay together
our love would grow stronger
the storms we have weathered
wouldn’t last any longer
we’ll never know how good it could be
this isn’t how it should be

i couldn’t laugh
i couldn’t cry
i couldn’t waste another day
i couldn’t live
i couldn’t lie low any longer

it could’ve been so good
but there was something else for me.

- ‘lie low’, plumb

"you have some of those days when you just need to be. when you just need to shut your mouth, close your eyes, breathe in and out and drift away…"

sometimes i wish i were an ostrich so i can just bury my head.  or better yet, i wish  i could pretend that i were dead.

a few days ago, i was so convinced that this year wasn’t that bad for me. but at this very moment, as i stare at my laptop screen, as i type away my thoughts, i am so angry at myself for even considering that.  2006 was not a good one for me.

i’ve never had so many screw ups at work.  this project that i’ve been handling for the past 4 years was a total disaster.  and until now, i am still haunted by the mistakes i made.  the reason why i’m still working at this time of the year (when everybody else is on vacation leave) is to put a close to this damn project.  i have never been so embarrassed in the four years that i’ve managed this program.

everybody in my office knows how bitchy i can be, and 2006 was the year where i did the most bitching.  it was so pathetic.  i spared no one–from our messenger to my boss, suppliers, delivery people–sheesh, i even snap at mcdonald’s crew…believe me, i can be really scary.

it’s really embarrassing ‘coz they know that i’m a charismatic, that i actually stand in front of people and proclaim God’s word.  they always kid me that in my 7 years in rivers, they haven’t seen the impact of my community in my personal life.  now that’s really sad (and depressing).

i am not the nicest person in the world (heck, i am not even nice).  i have a very bad temper and i can be brutally frank (bad combo).  but i’d like to believe that if it weren’t for my community, i could have done more damage (to others and to myself).  i could be worse.

God has been very kind to me this year and for that i am truly grateful.  i know how disappointed He must have been with how i managed my life this year and yet, He never left my side.  He continues to love me in spite of my imperfections.

next year, i resolve to submit everything to Him.  i hate to admit it but i can’t do this alone.  i need His help.  it’s really a struggle for me to just let go, but i have learned that when i give it all to God, it is so easy to take my burdens right back from Him.

ipagpatawad nyo…

i found this from a very old quotable quotes notebook–i’ve never seen the movie but i heard it’s really good.  i used to have this terrible crush on bentot (a.k.a. ben affleck) and i thought it was just lovely that it was his character who said these lines.  btw, another johnny depp-ish actor, jason lee (who also stars in one of my all-time fave movies, ‘mallrats’), was also in this movie. 

so to all those who can mega relate to these lines (rizi!!!)–feel the pain…

"i love you. and not, not in a friendly way, although i think we’re great friends. and not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although i’m sure that’s what you’ll call it.

i love you. very, very simple, very truly. you are the epitome of everything i have ever looked for in another human being. and i know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the farthest thing from an option you would ever consider.

but i had to say it. i just, i can’t take it anymore.

i can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you.
i cant, i can’t look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels.
i can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

and i know this will probably queer our friendship…but i had to say it, because i’ve never felt this way before, and i don’t care. i like who i am because of it. and if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me.

but God, i just, i couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. and, you know, i’ll accept that.

but i know…i know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. all i ask, PLEASE, is that you just, you just not dismiss that and try to dwell on it for just ten seconds.

…there isn’t another sould on this f**king planet who has ever made me half the person i am when i’m with you, and i would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau.

because it is there–between you and me. you can’t deny that.

even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that i’m forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which, while i do appreciate it, i’d never needed a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.’

(chasing amy)

it’s not who you love. it’s how.

it’s a monday evening and i am sitting and eating alone at el pollo loco in megamall.  my mom and my cousin are shopping for furniture for my cousin’s flat.  apparently, he’s moving out of our house.  i am sleep deprived and very hungry so i told them to just "text me pag TAPOS na TAPOS na kayo" (hehehehe, bitchy as always :p).  so i am sitting here, alone, a half-eaten pollo bowl in front of me, staring at my phone waiting for them to text me "let’s go home."

i wasn’t always like this (bitchy, i mean).  i used to be really nice, you know.  i used to be sweet and kind…really friendly…bright and sunny.  and now i am just dark and twisty (or is it scary and damaged?).  i used to enjoy other people’s company.  i used to enjoy meeting lots of new people.  now i’ve become anti-social…allowing myself to have few close friends.  too few actually that i’ve gotten so used to doing things all by myself.  i eat at restaurants alone.  i watch movies alone.  i usually shop alone.  i hear mass alone.  and if it weren’t for my ministry, i’d probably be sitting alone every wednesday during prayer meetings.

i am not complaining.  i actually enjoy my solitude

i got this quote from the philippine star last sunday and for some reason i just couldn’t stop thinking about it–

‘being single and unattached makes me vulnerable to yearn for warm embraces at times.  i thank God for giving me two hands that i wrap around myself in moments when i feel alone.  and yes, that’s more than enough reminder that inside me resides the happiness i sometimes forget i possess.’

i am still truly, madly, deeply in love with somebody right now, although the pining and the longing have died down.  maybe i am slowly learning to love myself more.  maybe i am beginning to realize that my whole life’s happiness does not depend on him loving me back.

christmas is just around the corner and the dawn’s classic ballad ‘abot-kamay’ keeps playing over and over in my head–"sana ika’y abot-kamay..sana kahit ngayong pasko man lang.." 

but he’s always been within reach.  i just couldn’t claim him as mine :p   and i said i wasn’t pining! hahahahaha. 

but really, i’m not.

where the hell are my mom and my cousin?  i am starting to feel cold and i don’t have my shawl with me.  i suppose this is one of those occasions when i should be ‘yearning for a warm embrace,’ bwahahahaha!

i think i’ll just go to starbucks and buy myself a warm cup of coffee.

OLD SWEATER
by Teri Lyn Smith

i wear you like an old sweater–
arms around me, warmth and comfort,
the worn places i overlook,
the tears i hold together.
threads broken at the seams, we hang on,
still able to keep the cold
from seeping through.
the color has faded, but
i expect nothing more
than the familiar feel, the smell of you.
you need not be more than that;
i can’t expect you to be more.
you have always been there
as you are, as you will always be–
nothing more, but that’s enough for me.

waaahhh! unrequited love to the max! found this poem in my ‘99 notebook of quotes.  sheesh…some things will never change…i am forever pining for somebody i can never have.  ‘i am desperately searching for something real’ and yet i keep falling for guys who for one reason or another can NEVER be mine–it’s as if they were just meant to live in my fantasies, in my dreams

i’ll end this ranting with a quote from Bridget Jones’ Diary (the book, not the movie)–
"Love is not something that happens to you but something you do.  So what didn’t I do?"

end of sharing.

here i stand head in hand
turn my face to the wall
if he’s gone i cant go on
feelin’ two foot small
everywhere people stare
each and every day
i can see them laugh at me
and i hear them say
HEY YOU’VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
HEY YOU’VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
how can i even try
i can never win
hearing them, seeing them
in the state i’m in
how could he say to me
love will find a way
gather round all you clowns
let me hear you say
HEY YOU’VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
HEY YOU’VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
(beatles)

i haven’t really heard the original version, but eddie vedder’s heartwrenching vocals on this one is so damn good!  i’ve already heard it thrice today, hehehehe…which is why i’m posting it here–i have bad case of LSS for this one. 

this one’s for rizi

"in your web i am entwined. i’m lost in the thoughts that you left behind…until you come around again." - rizal underground

rhett miller’s heartbreaking song ‘come around’ has been playing over and over in my head for 3 weeks now…i just recently downloaded a copy of the song (i know the song’s kinda old) and i just love how he sings with much "gusto" the chorus of the song :p

i’ve been in some sort of denial these past months–declaring that i’m not in love when in reality my heart is still pining for that somebody :(  to quote the great jack bauer–"i never stopped loving you. not for one second."  aaarrgh…wala lang. end of sharing.

so here’s that great song from rhett miller…definitely a classic in my book

I’m dressed all in blue and I’m remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I’m depressed upstairs and I’m remembering where
And when and how and why’d you have to go so far…

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around

I’m dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I’m empty again
I should have never let it start

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around

No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you’re the only one you are the only one…

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around

I’m dressed all in blue and I’m remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart…

"no time to search the world around coz you know where i’ll be found…when i come around." - green day

sob.

"Nothing new today, just the same old walkaways.  And someday I’m gonna stay, but not today." - The Counting Crows

I’m in one of those moods again.  I need to get out–get out of Rivers, get out of Manila, get somebody out of my system.  I don’t know what exactly is stopping me (well for one, I’m broke so I can’t really go to Palawan and sulk).  I have some responsibilities in the community that I can’t just walk out from (yeah, right).  Or maybe, I’m just too chicken

I read in one of those worship articles that ‘God uses the simplest things to speak to us.’  So now I am looking for those ’simple things’ just to affirm myself that there is a reason why God allowed me to feel this way.  Maybe I am trying too hard because right now–I really can’t find any.

Aaarrgh!

I feel so lazy–I don’t want to go to work anymore and I don’t feel like going to that side of Makati (a.k.a. St. Paul) either.  I just want to stay home and watch ‘House M.D.’ (I am soooooo in love with Dr. House)…listen over and over to 6cyclemind’s "I" or Shinedown’s "I Dare You"…stare into space…lie down and feel the cold side of my pillow.

"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did.  It has not healed with time–it just shot down my spine.  You look so beautiful tonight–reminds me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life.  Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?" - Salive

Sometimes I wish I could just stop feeling.

My officemate and I went to this CD sale last Friday. Was able to buy a couple of CDs (100 bucks each :p)–The Best of the Gin Blossoms, Skin by Melissa Etheridge, Bounce by Bon Jovi (yeah I know—don’t remind me…friends, please be kind!), and All About Chemistry by Semisonic.

It’s only now that I realize why Zach (of Zach & Joey) loves this Semisonic album–it’s so damn good! Killer lyrics to the max The album includes old favorites like Chemistry, El Matador, and Act Naturally. I love this track called One True Love (pang LSS, hehehehe) but this song called I Wish describes best what I’m feeling right now (I’m sure my smart friends can read between the lines…sorry na lang to the less gifted ones, bwahahahaha!). So here goes…

I wish I could be anyone but the one that I am now
I wish I could see any scene but the one I hang around
I wish I could do anything but the things I always do
No matter how I try to sing along
Something is always wrong
What I wish I knew

I wish I could turn into somebody far, far away
I wish I could make myself satisfactory in every way
I wish I could know whether you really know what you need
If I could only be somebody else
I wouldn’t be myself
And maybe you’d want me

I can try to please you
Get down on my knees for you
Go outside and freeze for you
Swim the high seas for you
Whatever you need me to
I’ve been climbing the trees for you
Twisting in the breeze for you
But one thing I can never, never do
I can’t believe for you
I can’t believe for you
I can’t believe in me for you …

"I have been played for a fool by someone I thought was worth of my love and my time." Hay, the story of my life…sheesh…oh well… I’m ending this post with one of my favorite quotes from "My-So-Called-Life"–

"First admit it. That…I EXIST… That you have emotions, and you can’t just treat me one way in front of your friends, and then leave me some private note that’s the exact opposite." (Angela Chase)